A Loss and Sadness….Double Dose

You know those days when it seems everything annoys you? Come on, we ALL have them, right? The day starts and you get that feeling in your gut the one that tells you “I think I am grumpy and irritated, but am going to ignore it and be positive”….that kind of day?

Maybe there is something in the air, maybe it is time for the “monthly” visit, maybe you can sense that something is just “off”.  Well today just happen to be one of those days. Listen, I am normally a “glass is always half full” kind of gal, the “don’t worry, everything always works out” kind of gal, the one who constantly stops and reminds my family that we are “so blessed and lucky”, that we “need to stop and appreciate”….YEP one of those gals.

Maybe it was heading to another little league game and having to reach deep inside for the most positive energy {already knowing that there was a 99% chance we would lose again} we only have 2 wins this season, but I love watching our son hit the holly bananas out of the ball when he is up to bat every time!  Sitting in the stands it happened, it hit me {no not the baseball} the slow roll of my mother’s car driving past the field looking for a place to park.  The shock alone was something, but the feeling in the gut was right on.  My mother nor my step father EVER attend our children’s’ events EVER {my sister’s kids, yes, our’s no}.  I just remember turning to my hubby and mom-in-law and asking if I truly did just see my mom pull up to the game.  YES, yes I did.  Oh wow, she’s here, but why?

Did I get that twinge of excitement that she was actually there?  Heck yes.  Was I going to run out to the car like a little girl again, running to her mommy excited to see her as if she had been gone on a long trip? No, no I would not.  That would only lead to hurt and let down.  She will come to us and she did.  Waiting for the shoe to drop, as I knew in my gut it would….there it did.  My mom was not there to see her grandson play ball, she was not there with my stepfather to watch the game.   She was there to tell me the news of the passing of our grandfather last night.  WOW, even writing the words now I am holding back the tears.  Are they tears of sadness for the loss, or tears of sadness for the mixed emotions of the timing and way of my mother. Was this a selfish act?  To come to our son’s game and lay this news on me in the stands.  What am I to do, how do I respond?  The game is amazing, we are tied up and in the 4th inning. I am hearing her words, but clapping and cheering for our team and son as he hits another and makes a triple play.  Am I a bad person or selfish for not knowing how to react at the moment?

I guess I should be happy that I was even told of the news, since there is no relationship with my mother, or two sisters.  But family is family regardless and maybe they felt I had to know.  SO this is where the day gets irritating.  She can’t stay and watch the game {no of course not, nor do I expect her to}.  Faith is too busy heading to the snack bar to even really get close enough to the grandma she never see’s and my hubby is a pleasant as he always is, God bless him as he is my rock.

She leaves and heads out, her job is done, and I am left with that same feeling in my gut that I am always left with.  The empty sick feeling, the one that makes me want to either throw up my insides or have pity on her and the rest who have chosen to remove themselves from our children and us.  I know what I must do regardless and that was to gather my hubby and two children after the game and re-group then head on over to grandma and grandpa’s house to show our love and respect. To put all the nonsense behind and be the loving and kind children and people that God would want us to be.  So I cut some fresh flowers from the yard and placed them in a nice vase to put out on the table for grandma.  It was the only thing I could think of doing. It made me feel better.

The day went on and just everything was annoying.  The headache that kept pounding in my head and would not go away no matter how many Advil I had taken or how much caffeine I could drink, it would just linger.  Then the little things started at me, the leaves on the back patio and furniture that had fallen from the trees.  The small bugs outside while sitting in the back patio trying to relax. The dog, the cat, the fact that I had to cook dinner, the garbage being full.  Just everything and anything.  Then onto myself, my body, my legs, my thighs, my stomach.  You know?  Ughhh, why? Why would I be so irritated today?  Why can’t I shake it?  What is wrong with me?

Nothing, nothing is wrong with me I am just human and struggling with my emotions.  I know how petty this all sounds, I know how silly this is. I know that there are a gazillion things worse than my little “annoyances”, but today they seem huge.  I mean look what happened just this last week for crying out loud.  The Boston Marathon bombings and I am complaining about this stuff?

cantbesad

A loss has happened in the family and I must deal in my own way, I must be a good daughter and be there for and with family at this time while we get through the next few steps and dismiss all the negative energy that has surrounded us all.  I know what I need to do, I just pray and wish the others will also.

I was outside this evening trying to figure out how to fix the sprinkler system and could not get it to work {will have to wait until next week for the landscaper} but as I was out front the one yellow rose that bloomed had caught my eye.  The is the first one on my rose bush this spring, I had to capture the moment and smile because ironically this yellow rose bush was actually a gift from my sister 5 years ago this coming May.  She had given it to my hubby and I in celebration of his father {he passed away then}.  I have never been able to grow or keep anything alive longer than a season, but this rose bush always keeps blooming for us.

Was this a symbol of something today?  I just happen to notice it today?  Did it make me stop and just breathe for a moment?  God sends us messages in many ways {I believe}.  Will tomorrow be better? Will the glass be half full again?  Will I be more relaxed and accepting of the everyday things around me?

Yes, yes to all the questions.  Tomorrow WILL BE a better day.  As for the rest of this one, well I think some vanilla ice cream and banana with chocolate chips would be just what could make me smile. 🙂

 

 

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Comments

  1. I am sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about that kind of day, I have had them and sometimes never figure out why they are so bad but I always look forward to the day ending because it is normally better the next day.

    • I am so sorry to hear about your mother not being their for you or your children. That is such a shame! I am even more sorry to hear about your grandfather. I hope your tomorrow is better and you find some ease in his passing. God bless you and your family!

      • The issue of my family missing out on our kids and their growing up and watching them achieve at their activities is most sad and such a waste of time {we all live in the same town} our children are aware of what goes on and we as parents just have to do the best we can to give them all our support…Grandparents are missing out on something very special that is for sure….Thank you Sherry

  2. Awe Lynda,
    Yes, tomorrow will be a better day. You are stronger than you think. I’m sorry to hear of your loss. Prayers for you and your family!
    I feel you though, and I was having one of those days yesterday too. Hang in there!

  3. Sorry to hear of the passing of your grandfather *hugs*
    Hope the weeks ahead aren’t too stressful for you

  4. I’m sorry for you loss. I’m sorry that it had to be told you in such a way as well. Tomorrow will be better and you will find comfort that you need.

  5. I’m sorry, Lynda. So glad you saw the rose among the leaves and thorns. Thinking of you and sending strength and best wishes.

  6. It is good that even on a day like this, you have been able start to organize your thoughts and feelings in a perfectly normal and rational way. I am sure that you will be strong over the next few weeks and provide good support to your family. I hope you get the support back.

  7. Very sorry for your loss! As Shari said though I am glad you were able to see the rose among the thorns! That is really the best thing we can do in these times!:-)

  8. Wow! That Bougainvillea looks amazing behind that yellow rose! I LOVE Bougainvillea – it’s definitely one of my favorite flowers! I don’t know about you, but seeing Bougainvillea will ALWAYS stop me short and make me appreciate!
    Thanks for the picture and I really hope that the Bouggies helped you as much as they would for me!

  9. So sorry to hear that you are struggling with both loss and hurt. I love that you look for ways to make yourself feel better. I love the flowers. HUGS!

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